It’s safe to trust her.

I’ve been having an abundance of creative energy flowing through me again which is nice. It feels natural. It feels like a part of me is coming back. I think this return of creative energy is a result of me now having more space to receive it. And less blockages, significantly less blockages. It’s been a tiresome process but I’ve slowly been knocking those barriers down over the past few weeks as I’ve been doing a lot of inner artist work.

Where my struggle lies though is not only in warmly welcoming these new and more expansive ideas, but also in trusting that it is safe to follow this flow of creative energy. Instead of flowing with these ideas when they brush through me, I’ll resist them. If I don’t try to do something else completely, I’ll try to multitask. Netflix and chill create? It seems ideal at first, but one episode of Love is Blind turns into another, and another. My sketchbook still lays blank in front of me; my fibres still untouched. Because of this habit, of surrounding myself with this external noise, I can never truly get into that creative flow state.

Why am I resisting this creative energy? When I don’t flow with this energy, with these new expansive ideas, I can literally feel the internal frustration in every essence of my physical and spiritual being. This habit I’ve developed is a pollutant that drowns out my inner voice. I’ve come to realize this over the past couple of weeks and I’ve never felt a greater urge to cancel my Netflix subscription, to remove some of the noise from my life. As I sit in my work space with Netflix streaming in the background, I can feel my inner artist screaming to be heard, begging for space. Yet, I ignore her. Why? Is it out of fear? Fear to be alone with her? Fear that she will abandon me as quickly as she arrived? Do I feel she abandoned me before? The truth is, my inner artist and I have had a rocky journey together over the past few years. A journey where she wasn’t in the passenger seat next to me and a reliable steady paycheck was the destination. Maybe it was I who abandoned her? Because I didn’t feel safe to trust her. To trust that it is safe to follow her. To trust that she will lead me. So I suppose this resistance is learned, learned from the journeys I didn’t take with her.

Moving forward, I definitely want to take a step back from Netflix, social media and the like because I can clearly see, and feel, how they do not serve me or my inner artist. I want remove the pollution so that I can continue to welcome these new and more expansive ideas with open arms and can create a safe space to listen to that inner artist of mine, to get to know her. So that eventually, I can learn that it is safe to trust her, to trust that it is safe to follow her, to trust that she will not lead me wrong.

Update: I’ve cancelled my monthly Netflix subscription and my goodness does it ever feel freeing! I didn’t realize how heavy that chain felt until I let it go. I’ll admit, I had a tight grip on all of the excruciating, intimate drama of Love is Blind…I knew it wasn’t good for me but it’s like that delicious, stupidly addicting bag of chips that you just cant put down! To my surprise though, I haven’t missed having Netflix at all. I mean, I’ve had the rare urge to curl up in bed and watch a good movie on those gloomy weekend nights, but I’ve really been enjoying curling up with a good book instead. Or, even putting on some good music and pulling out some fibres to play with. And instead of watching others live their lives through reality TV, I’ve been inspired to live my life more fully once again. And maybe even pick back up on my dating life after all this isolation these last two years? Although, I don’t know that I could produce any romance in my own life that is as dramatic, toxic and undeniably gripping…but I am quite ok with that. After all, in my own reality, less pollution is more aspirational. Most importantly though, I’ve been inspired to make more time for my creative practice because in nurturing my inner artist, that is what will lead me to living a more fulfilling life.